perfect

(via iwantmybearsuit)

i’m going to start posting here again!

i’m going to go back to school after tomorrow with a fuller body. i’m dreading the moments when my peers are going to look me over and notice i’ve gained weight.

i dream of being thin yet all i do is EAT.

i’m going to eat like skinny girls eat
i’m going to restrict calories like skinny girls restrict calories

i wouldn’t be back here if it weren’t for someone i follow on plurk. she plurked about still being 123 lbs even though she was half-ass dieting. then she admitted to starving herself, and revealed that’s how she lost 60 lbs a couple years ago. she said she’s gained back a little weight and is going to continue restricting calories. she now eats a meal every other day. other people commented on how difficult that must be and how they wish they had enough self control to do what she’s doing. i have enough self control. before i abandoned this tumblr, and reverted to eating like the fat bitch that i am, i didn’t eat anything for a week.

wow. i remember the day i quit. i was moaning and writhing around from being so hungry. i had a headache. i was in terrible shape. i hadn’t eaten in a full week. my sister ordered sandwiches. i remember not resisting at all. i ate the foot-long beef sandwich as fast as i could. i even wanted a second one.

the only problem is successfully hiding it. oh, and the dizziness and fatigue too haha. i can’t go up a flight of steps at school without being worn out. but i can still do it…

(via wasted-)

survey

Read More

my cousin took me out earlier. we were planning on going to b&n but she impulsively decided to go to a diner instead. she asked me where i wanted to go, and as usual i said i don’t mind. i’m always indecisive and i never have any preference.. but the obvious answer should have been b&n right? i went with it. she said we can just get coffees if i’m not hungry. i nodded my head and told her i was full on my aunt’s soup (fib!). i started panicking when we arrived and got seated. why did i put myself in this situation? what now? i was pretty sure i would have to eat. i was at a diner. my cousin saw the frown on my face as i flipped through the menu. she asked if i was okay and i said no. i told her. she was understanding. she didn’t say anything that upset me and she didn’t force me to eat. i got a diet coke and sipped on that while i watched her shovel a huge plate of strawberry & banana crepe + a calzone into her mouth. huge portion sizes, no joke. today was rocky but i succeeded! :)

i almost threw in the towel earlier. but thankfully this time was not like other times. it was mind over matter. i thought logically and walked away from the disaster that could happen. my head was inside the fridge. my eyes were roaming around for something decent to eat. i spotted a block of cheese and reached toward it. then i quickly shut the fridge and walked back to the living room with tears in my eyes. success.

i would have really loved and appreciated answers to my question, but i came to a decision myself. i’m going to fast until saturday morning. that will be day 01 of the ABC diet. i’ll be able to eat 500 calories (or less). i’m ashamed to admit it but i can’t wait until then. i’m absolutely ravenous right now. i don’t even think food porn will help me now.